Chris Coletti: His Life Is Better Than Yours – Bathroom Adventure

bathroom stallIn my travels around the world as an internationally beloved speaker I’ve seen some terrible things: The ugly face of racism in the South, anti-American hatred in Europe, light rain & fog in San Francisco.  But nothing (NOTHING!) compares to the horror I witnessed in Denver, specifically their airport.  After a long flight & while waiting for my connecting flight back to beautiful California, I was literally inches away from being raped…possibly gang raped. [Read more...]

Matt and Nat – Mouse Story

scary funny mouse

Matt and Nat are funnier than you and slowly realizing that living with a lady/gent (that you are not sleeping with) makes you realize how much the opposite sex really does suck. Pick your side…but if you pick Matt’s you’re wrong. Just saying.

Nat says: Call me old-fashioned, but when there is a fucking mouse in your apartment, your male roommate shouldn’t be the one to jump on the couch and scream like a little pussy when it scurries past their feet right?

Right.

I thought that was one of the perks of living with a dude. I get to be the only who is allowed to act emotionally reckless for no apparent reason…while the male roommate kills the shit out of the mouse. And then I get to call him a heartless murderer when he drops the poor lifeless body of Fernando (I get to name the mouse, too) into a Tupperware container. Not the other way around.

And yet here I am, throwing out this perfectly good Tupperware container, because my male roommate is too much of a little bitch to properly handle the masculine killing of a mouse. I guess this is what the feminist movement was all about.
Guess whose doing the dishes tonight then, bitch. [Read more...]

A Short Runt Rant – Emily Schorr Lesnick

Attention: Just because I am “small” and “adorable” does not give you the right to pick me up. Ask my consent. I am not “bite sized” for you.

No but seriously, if a tall dude comes in for a hug with a grin on his face, I have reason to suspect that I am about to be lifted into the air, squeezed, plopped down, maybe have my head patted, and be told I am “so cute.” It has happened before and it will happen again. Sometimes they say “I can pick you up, right?” and completely take away my voice, which is too bad because I may have a little body, but I have a big voice. [Read more...]

Chris Coletti: His Life Is Better Than Yours – Funeral

 So I go to a lot of funerals. Not because my friends are dying, but because I enjoy hearing the story of a person’s life followed by finger sandwiches.

And lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: funerals are no longer formal affairs. Instead of suit & ties for guys and nice dresses for women, it’s now come as you are. A friend  recently told me, “I can mourn you in any way I want.” 

NO YOU CANNOT!

You WILL mourn me, and mourn me long and hard, the way I say. Heading to the beach to stare at the setting sun and pondering the circle of life is NOT how I will be mourned. So before my number comes up and I’m called to eternal glory where I’ll be greeted by throngs of trumpeting angels, thunderous applause from across the galaxies, and a high five from Patrick Swayze I want to lay down 5 rules for my own funeral. [Read more...]

Museum of Morgan – Lotus Flower

Navigating The Music Video Landscape
Video: “Lotus Flower”
Artist: Radiohead
Year: 2011

 

Thom-lotus-flower funny

Remember music videos? A now long lost art form thanks to MTV2 programming such as “Jersey Shore,” “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom.” Now – we slink away into the internet searching for our fix. On YouTube lies all of the nostalgia that comes with lip syncing and staring directly into the camera (or away for dramatic effect.) I just so happen to love the bad ones.

I remember February 18th, 2011 very clearly.

I woke from my slumber to find that two glorious surprises were waiting for me. It was “Christmas Two! The Sequel!” and it promised to be better faster and more fancy than the original. Not really. But for this dumb Radiohead fan it was. Some people are fans of what my roommate lovingly likes to refer to as “button-pushing drakular music.” Some people are not. I am the former in this category. A Radiohead-ed mega fan. And on February 18th, 2011 the band had not only made their new album available for download (gasp!) but had also released their first official music video in over four years (shock! awe!)

I quickly downloaded the album and saved it for the road trip I was to take within the next hour, and as I waited I got a glimpse of what Thom Yorke had up his sleeves for his legion of followers. Radiohead is notorious for creating thought provoking & mind boggling short films to accompany their musical ventures. This was not what I found. What I found was … fucking … ridiculous. [Read more...]

10 Things Student Protestors at My College Should Actually be Protesting – Megan Lent

funny occupy protestI go to the major university in Los Angeles that did not, I am told by people who follow sports, win the late-November rivalry football game. Lately, Occupy protestors have moved on campus with their tents. Because we are not run by total pieces of shit, the authorities have yet to pepper spray anyone. It’s just kids in tents with signs, and the occasional rally.

Now, I’ve attended a couple of these rallies. I’m almost comically liberal: my dorm room is decorated with press clippings from the JFK years, George Stephanopoulos’ memoir, a drawing I made of Jon Stewart making out with Senator Barbara Boxer, and Seasons 1-4 of The West Wing (later seasons do not count due to an abject lack of Rob Lowe.) So, a Re-fund CA/Occupy rally should really be up my alley. This is not the case. And it is not the case because I’m an admirer of focus, and a rally which begins with a listing of valid grievances pertaining to impending tuition hikes, which then turns into some chanting about making banks pay, which then turns into the custodians demanding a pay raise, which then turns into a speech about immigration – all in the space of about twenty minutes – is not a focused rally.

I think that what these protestors need is a clear voice. A writer. A prophet. And I think I know a little something about prophets, or at least about talking more loudly and coherently than everyone else. So, here we go: my list of exactly, specifically, and accurately what the student protestors at my college should actually be protesting. [Read more...]

Matt and Nat – Bathroom Story

Matt and Nat are funnier than you and slowly grasping that living with a lady/gent (that you are not sleeping with) makes you realize how much opposite sex really does suck. Pick your side…but if you pick Matt’s you’re wrong. Just saying.

Nat says: It will never cease to amaze me how men conveniently forget how Mother Nature works for the ladies. Now this isn’t a topic women specifically want to elaborate on (as in we never want to fucking talk about it…so stop shoving it in our faces Playtex commercials). However, this is definitely a subject that will be used against men given the right circumstances, i.e. when you turn the light off as I’m going to the bathroom, Matthew. [Read more...]

Population Perspective – Wall Beat Journal

by Natalie Wall

That time has come. The population of Earth reached a staggering 7 billion people last Monday and let’s be honest, we can all agree that that’s 6 billion to many.

While many (white people) see this as a huge success, reality has proven that this number may actual have a grim reality. Natural resource sustainability slowly dwindling in many areas of the world and obstruction of such habitats makes some wonder how many people the world can actually accommodate.

“We have to consume in more sustainable ways, but also we have to produce in more sustainable ways,” said Michael Herrmann, an adviser on population and economics with the UNFPA according to Globalpost.com.

Which leaves Earth with only one real solution: a zombie apocalypse. Not only would the world’s natural habitats be able to thrive once again, but we would no longer have to worry about food production in areas that need it the most. Seeing as we, the human population, would be the most readily available food resource.

Allowing Earth to kill two birds with one stone: saving the worlds natural resources while drastically reducing the world’s unsustainable population. Nature versus nurture. And yes, nature always wins.

Your only real worries now would be staving off the said ravenous zombie apocalypse rather than worrying about the rapid influx of the earth’s dangerously high population count. “We have to change the way we’re consuming and producing,” said Ethiopian Daniel Gad is a former AT&T senior executive in Seattle who returned to his home country in 2003 to invest in local food production, according to Globalpost.com. “The world is reaching limits.”

So, yes. The rumors are true. It is time, world. It is time we start consuming each other.

 

Gladstone’s Great Things That Suck – REM

So the other day REM announced they were calling it quits, and I know that like many of you my first thought was “wait, they’re still a band?”  Well, apparently they were and in light of their announcement, I e-mailed the girl who broke up with me twenty years ago to let her know we were through. 

Why am I being so mean?  After all, there was a time when REM were hailed as an important band.  But that time was known as the 80s.  The decade that brought you other bad ideas like acid rain, deficit spending, and the snap bracelet.  The truth is that REM amounts to little more than a breath of non-processed fresh air during a decade of uninspired house music and hair metal. 

Look, no one is more surprised by how little I care about REM’s demise than I am. After all, there was a time when I was a fairly large REM fan. I still think 1986’s Life Rich Pageant is one of the greatest pop rock albums of all time.  That’s right. Of all time. So why all the hate

Because REM is one of the shockingly laziest bands of all time. They reached a point that many other great band reach where they had the power to progress as musicians and make their own rules, and they used that power to become increasingly safe and boring.

Compare them to U2.  Both bands require songwriting in the collective sense because unlike the Beatles or the Who or even a band like Bon Jovi no one in the group is an accomplished enough songwriter on their own.  And much like U2, REM featured guitarists who were not technically virtuosos, but who had developed unique sounds. 

But unlike U2 they did not try to grow as artists.  They did not experiment with changes in sound or style or songwriting. A few years after the Joshua Tree, U2 did Achtung Baby and Zooropa.   A few years after Out of Time, REM wrote Everybody Hurts – a song so cliché and absurd that the first time I heard it, I laughed out loud, thinking the boys were parodying saccharine boring G/C/D cheeseball inspirational music. I was wrong. So very very wrong.

The songwriting stalled and Stipe decided to use less and less of his vocal range on every single album.  Their instrumentation remained unchanged as did their songwriting. Zero musical growth rate, which I guess is OK if you’re the Ramones, but they weren’t.  They were just four guys from Georgia who had a neat sound reminiscent of the Byrds who polished their product to perfection in 1986 and then repeated it until everyone including themselves apparently lost interest.

 

gladstone

Gladstone

Gladstone is a columnist for Cracked.com, the creator and star of the Hate By Numbers video series, and the author of the forthcoming novel Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. Most of his stuff can be found on his site.

 

Museum of Morgan – Said I Loved You But I Lied

Navigating The Music Video Landscape
Video: “Said I Loved You But I Lied”
Artist: Michael Bolton
Year: 1993
 

Remember music videos? A now long lost art form thanks to MTV2 programming such as “Jersey Shore,” “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom.” Now – we slink away into the internet searching for our fix. On YouTube lies all of the nostalgia that comes with lip syncing and staring directly into the camera (or away for dramatic effect.) I just so happen to love the bad ones. 

Far before you hipsters thought he was cool because he crested the high seas with The Lonely Island on the track “Jack Sparrow” … Michael Bolton was the stuff of adult contemporary mom dreams. Armed with enough squinting to merit a contact lense prescription, hair cascading from his scalp like a hunky hero from a romance novel and a wardrobe provided exclusively from the Natural Wonder store at a mall circa 1994, this video provides a perfect example of why the midlife ladies used to swoon.

michael-bolton-liedI have to be honest, I had no idea that Michael Bolton cared so much about nature. The video is set across the glorious landscape of Phoenix, Arizona. On first glimpse you may have thought that the video was an early inspiration for the Disney classic “The Lion King.” There are several points here where Sultry Voice McGee sings directly into a circling helicopter shot. A shot that almost screams “Circle Of Life.” But the landscape alone doesn’t even scratch the surface on the natural beauty the video expresses. It’s littered with shots of clouds passing by (I believe to show us this is a dream.) There are horses, hawks and semi naked women galore. And my oh my the fire … there is fuck tons of unnecessary fire. I often say to myself when watching this video. “Be careful horses! Watch out for that fire!”

Our crooner broodingly wanders through this setting recalling the memory of a long lost love. Much of that memory is her, a beautiful model, making out with him while splayed across the boulders of the Arizona desert wearing nothing but a silk sheet. Any shot of her is purely in black and white, to represent that she is his past. A memory never to be forgotten. He moves along, like a ghost, remembering this beautiful woman. And as he does he tricks us with the lyrics. [Read more...]