Chris Coletti: His Life is Better than Yours – Hand Molestation

I don’t like being touched by strangers.
Whether it’s someone putting their hand on my knee & uttering “I know good looking when I see it”(but that’s another story) or someone who just doesn’t understand personal space and needs to touch my arm while talking, I don’t want strangers touching me.
And there’s an epidemic sweeping the country called “Hand Molestation.” Thousands of people are afflicted by this scourge each day, chances are it’s touched your life or the life of a loved one. You innocently pay a clerk for a soda and their fingers rub against your palm as they give you change, you take your receipt and the cashier “accidentally” grabs your hand, you make a simple meth purchase and your dealer brushes his palm against your fingers.
To help you in the fight against this growing pestilence, I provide you with the 3 most common forms of Hand Molestation. Use this information wisely.

1. “The Basic”: This is a rookie move. Used only by the most inexperienced and part-time clerks usually at fast food places or convenience stores, it’s easy to anticipate but hard to avoid. As you’re given your change or receipt they simply press down on your palm and slide their fingers down your hand, occasionally leaving a trail of dirt or a thin yet unmistakable wetness on your hand.
Because it happens so quickly it’s nearly impossible to prevent. Wash immediately.

2. “The 2 Hand Double Grab & Feel”: An advanced move that seems to have been perfected by longtime cashiers, restaurant hostesses, & valets. As they hand you your change (or with valets, your keys) they grab your right hand with their left hand, their fingers slowly massaging the back of your hand & their thumb planted firmly in the meaty part of your palm , while giving you the change with their other hand and rubbing their sweaty fingertips against your palm.
This is perhaps the boldest of the moves, but it’s nothing compared to the pure evil of their 3rd method.

3. “The Drop”: The most vile of the methods Always well thought out & premeditated, it WILL involve both of your hands being violated. As you are handed your change, receipt, or card it will be “accidentally” dropped onto the counter. As you instinctively reach to pick it up, the clerk grabs it first then grabs each of your hands (sometimes your wrists!), smiles at you, laughs a little, and forcefully places the card in your hand while lingering for awhile. Occasionally something like, “Well that was fun” will be said while leering into your frightened eyes.

Chances are this has already happened to you. In the past you may have thought it was a simple accident, maybe even your fault. But now you know it’s a determined effort to molest the hands of every American. Join the resistance. Join the fight. Only you can prevent Hand Molestation.
And if nothing else, do all your shopping online.


Chris Coletti

Since selling his production company, Digital Imagery Productions, in 2007 Chris spends his days kayaking, enjoying the beaches of California, searching for the perfect snowcone, & traveling the globe inspiring both young & old not to spend their lives being a waste of skin. There’s no doubt that his life is better than yours.