The Worst Infomercial Ever? – Gladstone


Gladstone is back with the 80th installment of Hate By Numbers. This time he’s counting off arguably the worst infomercial of all time — The Instyler. Watch countless women degrade themselves on youtube for a chance at infomercial fame.

 

gladstone

Gladstone

Gladstone is a columnist for Cracked.com, the creator and star of the Hate By Numbers video series, and the author of the forthcoming novel Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. Most of his stuff can be found on his site.

 

Chris Coletti: His Life is Better than Yours – Hand Molestation

I don’t like being touched by strangers.
Whether it’s someone putting their hand on my knee & uttering “I know good looking when I see it”(but that’s another story) or someone who just doesn’t understand personal space and needs to touch my arm while talking, I don’t want strangers touching me.
And there’s an epidemic sweeping the country called “Hand Molestation.” Thousands of people are afflicted by this scourge each day, chances are it’s touched your life or the life of a loved one. You innocently pay a clerk for a soda and their fingers rub against your palm as they give you change, you take your receipt and the cashier “accidentally” grabs your hand, you make a simple meth purchase and your dealer brushes his palm against your fingers.
To help you in the fight against this growing pestilence, I provide you with the 3 most common forms of Hand Molestation. Use this information wisely. [Read more...]

Rick Santorum: Privacy Parts – Gallagher On Topic

Gallagher: On Topic
Privacy Parts

There are a few buzzwords and phrases that automatically send a message to my brain to shut down any listening functions and proceed with a series of head nods every seven seconds. The first one on the list is the phrase, “Back in my day…”.

Someone who pines for the “good ol’ days” manages to break the fourth wall of double denial. Not only are they going out of their way to completely ignore the negative and ignorant thinking of their time from their psyche, but they are also making themselves believe that time travel is possible.

That pining for the days when the world only had black and white television, movies and public bathrooms has reared its ugly head once again, now that Rick Santorum is looking more and more like the man on top in the Republican presidential race. It’s an appropriate place for the man to be, based on the Internet’s definition of his last name (don’t Google it if you’re enjoying a tasty bowl of chocolate pudding or lube right now).

He has reignited an issue that I thought had been long been settled: contraception. Apparently, he’s not just against forcing religious organizations to provide it for their insured employees, but he has also called it “not okay” and “dangerous” The only time contraception should be considered “dangerous” is if they have to come in a bulletproof coating.

Would you sleep with this man out of wedlock? Neither would he if he had his way.

Santorum can believe whatever the hell he wants as long as he doesn’t try to interfere with people’s private lives and get in their bedrooms to stop them from having sex that his faith won’t allow him to enjoy. He can still think that Galileo “had it coming” and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest as long as he’s not in power and chances are that telling people not to do it for fun will make sure that never happens. Besides, his faith is really more of the crux of the issue i.e. “My God won’t let me get freaky with two women, a step ladder, a belt sander and zero consequences so you shouldn’t have the right to either.”

The issue would have gone away but it managed to reach full-on silly when his billionaire campaign donor Foster Friess, a name and job title that sound like the true identity of a Batman villain, told MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell that, “Back in my days…”. I couldn’t remember the rest because I blacked out so I had to look it up.

He said that women used to use “Bayer aspirin for contraceptives”. Man, that stuff is more powerful than I thought. It can not only stop headaches and prevent heart attacks, but it can also build a cement wall around a woman’s uterus.

Foster Friess, uterus rancher

He continued, “The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly”.That moment was followed by a long period of silence, either because Mitchell had a hard time processing what Friess had said or the shock of his candidness made all the blood rush out of my head so it could provide extra protection to my reproductive organs, just in case I had a uterus it didn’t know about.

The “culture war” has always been a useless issue that never made any sense to me whether it was about sex, music, movies, video games or anything that’s just goddamn fun anymore. Worrying about the morality of condoms, birth control and even abortion should be way, way down on our list of priorities, especially when they come from candidates who constantly say they want to get government out of our lives. That’s like being in favor of irrigation but against clouds.

It’s all just an easy way to get easy votes from simple minded simpletons without having to do the hard work of actually talking about issues that matter and coming up with real solutions to fix bigger problems like…anything else. Giving fetuses the right to vote would be a step up at this point.

 

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist and reporter and a regular contributor to TruTV’s “Dumb as a Blog“, Playboy’s “The Smoking Jacket“, MTV’s Clutch and the Shadowbox Comedy Theater of Columbus. His humor and feature writing has also appeared in Aol’s TVSquad.com and Asylum.comSpike.com, Esquire Magazine, Cracked.com, Mental Floss Magazine, The Christian Science Monitor, Chicago Tribune’s “Redeye,” The Austin American-Statesmen and The Center for the Easily Amused. He doesn’t have a uterus the last time he checked.

 

Matt and Nat – Mouse Story

scary funny mouse

Matt and Nat are funnier than you and slowly realizing that living with a lady/gent (that you are not sleeping with) makes you realize how much the opposite sex really does suck. Pick your side…but if you pick Matt’s you’re wrong. Just saying.

Nat says: Call me old-fashioned, but when there is a fucking mouse in your apartment, your male roommate shouldn’t be the one to jump on the couch and scream like a little pussy when it scurries past their feet right?

Right.

I thought that was one of the perks of living with a dude. I get to be the only who is allowed to act emotionally reckless for no apparent reason…while the male roommate kills the shit out of the mouse. And then I get to call him a heartless murderer when he drops the poor lifeless body of Fernando (I get to name the mouse, too) into a Tupperware container. Not the other way around.

And yet here I am, throwing out this perfectly good Tupperware container, because my male roommate is too much of a little bitch to properly handle the masculine killing of a mouse. I guess this is what the feminist movement was all about.
Guess whose doing the dishes tonight then, bitch. [Read more...]

Chris Coletti: His Life Is Better Than Yours – Funeral

 So I go to a lot of funerals. Not because my friends are dying, but because I enjoy hearing the story of a person’s life followed by finger sandwiches.

And lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: funerals are no longer formal affairs. Instead of suit & ties for guys and nice dresses for women, it’s now come as you are. A friend  recently told me, “I can mourn you in any way I want.” 

NO YOU CANNOT!

You WILL mourn me, and mourn me long and hard, the way I say. Heading to the beach to stare at the setting sun and pondering the circle of life is NOT how I will be mourned. So before my number comes up and I’m called to eternal glory where I’ll be greeted by throngs of trumpeting angels, thunderous applause from across the galaxies, and a high five from Patrick Swayze I want to lay down 5 rules for my own funeral. [Read more...]

Museum of Morgan – Lotus Flower

Navigating The Music Video Landscape
Video: “Lotus Flower”
Artist: Radiohead
Year: 2011

 

Thom-lotus-flower funny

Remember music videos? A now long lost art form thanks to MTV2 programming such as “Jersey Shore,” “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom.” Now – we slink away into the internet searching for our fix. On YouTube lies all of the nostalgia that comes with lip syncing and staring directly into the camera (or away for dramatic effect.) I just so happen to love the bad ones.

I remember February 18th, 2011 very clearly.

I woke from my slumber to find that two glorious surprises were waiting for me. It was “Christmas Two! The Sequel!” and it promised to be better faster and more fancy than the original. Not really. But for this dumb Radiohead fan it was. Some people are fans of what my roommate lovingly likes to refer to as “button-pushing drakular music.” Some people are not. I am the former in this category. A Radiohead-ed mega fan. And on February 18th, 2011 the band had not only made their new album available for download (gasp!) but had also released their first official music video in over four years (shock! awe!)

I quickly downloaded the album and saved it for the road trip I was to take within the next hour, and as I waited I got a glimpse of what Thom Yorke had up his sleeves for his legion of followers. Radiohead is notorious for creating thought provoking & mind boggling short films to accompany their musical ventures. This was not what I found. What I found was … fucking … ridiculous. [Read more...]

10 Things Student Protestors at My College Should Actually be Protesting – Megan Lent

funny occupy protestI go to the major university in Los Angeles that did not, I am told by people who follow sports, win the late-November rivalry football game. Lately, Occupy protestors have moved on campus with their tents. Because we are not run by total pieces of shit, the authorities have yet to pepper spray anyone. It’s just kids in tents with signs, and the occasional rally.

Now, I’ve attended a couple of these rallies. I’m almost comically liberal: my dorm room is decorated with press clippings from the JFK years, George Stephanopoulos’ memoir, a drawing I made of Jon Stewart making out with Senator Barbara Boxer, and Seasons 1-4 of The West Wing (later seasons do not count due to an abject lack of Rob Lowe.) So, a Re-fund CA/Occupy rally should really be up my alley. This is not the case. And it is not the case because I’m an admirer of focus, and a rally which begins with a listing of valid grievances pertaining to impending tuition hikes, which then turns into some chanting about making banks pay, which then turns into the custodians demanding a pay raise, which then turns into a speech about immigration – all in the space of about twenty minutes – is not a focused rally.

I think that what these protestors need is a clear voice. A writer. A prophet. And I think I know a little something about prophets, or at least about talking more loudly and coherently than everyone else. So, here we go: my list of exactly, specifically, and accurately what the student protestors at my college should actually be protesting. [Read more...]

Carolyn Meeks Video Diary: Artist Retreat

Carolyn Meeks is a singer and an actress in the Big Apple and she has many, many feelings and opinions on pretty much everything. Carolyn visits Lady Jessica’s Artist’s Sanctuary and encounters “Dirty Gross Pervert-Hippies Who Call Themselves Artist!” This rant is what results…

Written and performed by Jenn Dodd
Edited by Sharon Jamilkowski

 

 


jenn-dodd
Jenn Dodd

Jenn Dodd is a New York based character actress and comedian who loves to poke fun at mankind’s collective social awkwardness. Her character work focuses primarily on the wonderfully bizarre nature of every day people.

Congress Fail: They are the 9 Percent – Gallagher On Topic

 

Gallagher: On Topic
They are the 9 Percent


Congress has never been the most popular dame on the promenade. No matter what poor schmuck is sitting in the White House or how bad the country is doing, the Legislative branch always gets spanked over something for doing nothing.

That’s not in any way a defense for the criticisms against them. I mean “doing nothing” in the most literal sense of the phrase. Coma patients in hospices whose basic bodily functions are controlled by machines accomplish more in a day than a so-called “politically balanced” legislative branch ever could.

Recently, our legislative boys and girls are at a total standstill. One side, the House, has been taken over by the Tea Party wing of the Republicans, and the other has a Democratic majority but all the filibustering makes it impossible for anything to get through and the only time a Democrat would stand up to a Republican is one of them asked if they could use their seat.

And even this prestigious body of “un-accomplishment” and DC politics gone mad has not only sunk to a new low metaphorically. They’ve also done it numerically and you know when math and politicians are involved, there are going to be a lot of empty aspirin bottles in the Capitol’s trash cans.

Their most recent rating among Americans who think that the Senate and the House are doing a good job is 9 percent. That’s not a typo. Their rating is in single digits. To put it another way, if you ever brought home from school a test in any subject that had a grade of 9 percent, your parents would order your teacher not to let you use pencils because of the physical risk they present to yourself and your classmates.

And before any of you zombies on either side of the political clusterf*$* try to turn this into a purely partisan opinion, take this to heart: the right-wing leaning Rasmussem pollers took a similar query of their flock for their approval of Congress’ work and they got a whopping 9 percent. As for the left, the rest of the mainstream media polling came up with the same number.

So the people, as they say, have spoken and how has Congress reacted to this bad report card? They put aside discussing anything close to meaningful about job creation, the economy and even taxes and decided instead to push forward with a bunch of meaningless legislative bull-hockey over regulating the amount of porn federal employees view on their office computers, keeping federal health agencies from limiting the amount of starches in school lunches and a wave of anti-abortion measurements that would only make sense of fetuses paid taxes. [Read more...]

Museum of Morgan – I Can Dream About You

Navigating The Music Video Landscape
Video: “I Can Dream About You”
Artist: Dan Hartman
Year: 1984

 

 Remember music videos? A now long lost art form thanks to MTV2 programming such as “Jersey Shore,” “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom.” Now – we slink away into the internet searching for our fix. On YouTube lies all of the nostalgia that comes with lip syncing and staring directly into the camera (or away for dramatic effect.) I just so happen to love the bad ones.

Now let’s clear the air right off the bat. I LOVE this song. It’s great. It’s the kinda song that I normally kill a bottle or three of sake to while belting it out in private room korean Karaoke. Such a fantastic tune deserves a fantastic music video right? Huh? WRONG. [Read more...]