Chris Coletti: His Life Is Better Than Yours – Creamed Chicken

Typically I’m very in control of my surroundings, but every once in awhile I slip up.


Standing in line with a friend at a local drug store recently my mind was becoming numb listening to her tell me why she would have loved to see Gandhi fight Betsy Ross. Trying to purge this nonsense from my mind I started to pick up bits and pieces of the conversation in front of me. Without looking up and still listening to my friend tell me how Mrs. Ross has the reach advantage on Gandhi I hear one of the women ahead of me mention how she needs to buy some creamed corn.


Without thinking, without hesitation, I muttered under my breath “I’ll cream your corn.”
Well, apparently I said it MUCH louder than I realized.


The line of at least 10 customers instantly became deadly quiet as I looked up to see every person in line staring at me like I just boldly announced my sweet love for dead puppy blood. Each person’s face having turned white with horror at my obnoxious declaration of creaming her corn, my friend’s face turned blood red as she tried to suppress the urge to burst out laughing at my stupidity.

“If Ghandi had fought Betsy Ross I’d still be able to buy batteries”


Then I looked to my left at the two women who had been talking and saw that they were both in their mid-70s (which explains their love for creamed corn), each of them looking at me with what can only be described as total disgust mixed with pure hatred. As the clerk gave them their change and they scurried quickly out the door, I moved up to make my purchase. The 30-something year old clerk who clearly hadn’t made the best decisions in her own life & was in no position to cast judgment on anyone glared at me with horrified revulsion and only said “What’s WRONG with you?” as I swiped my card & hurried off with my batteries.


Leaving the still completely quiet store, except for the hysterical laughter of my friend, and feeling the death glares of everyone in line beating down upon me, I realized I could never return to that store and that sometimes, on very rare occasions, my life really isn’t better than yours.


Of course, I then headed to the airport to fly to New York and speak to a sold out crowd of 450 people & then used my free tickets to sit 3rd row at Madison Square Garden to witness “Linsanity” firsthand and remembered that, yeah, it really is…

 


Chris Coletti

Since selling his production company, Digital Imagery Productions, in 2007 Chris spends his days kayaking, enjoying the beaches of California, searching for the perfect snowcone, & traveling the globe inspiring both young & old not to spend their lives being a waste of skin. There’s no doubt that his life is better than yours.

Chris Coletti: His Life is Better than Yours – Hand Molestation

I don’t like being touched by strangers.
Whether it’s someone putting their hand on my knee & uttering “I know good looking when I see it”(but that’s another story) or someone who just doesn’t understand personal space and needs to touch my arm while talking, I don’t want strangers touching me.
And there’s an epidemic sweeping the country called “Hand Molestation.” Thousands of people are afflicted by this scourge each day, chances are it’s touched your life or the life of a loved one. You innocently pay a clerk for a soda and their fingers rub against your palm as they give you change, you take your receipt and the cashier “accidentally” grabs your hand, you make a simple meth purchase and your dealer brushes his palm against your fingers.
To help you in the fight against this growing pestilence, I provide you with the 3 most common forms of Hand Molestation. Use this information wisely. [Read more...]

Chris Coletti: His Life Is Better Than Yours – Bathroom Adventure

bathroom stallIn my travels around the world as an internationally beloved speaker I’ve seen some terrible things: The ugly face of racism in the South, anti-American hatred in Europe, light rain & fog in San Francisco.  But nothing (NOTHING!) compares to the horror I witnessed in Denver, specifically their airport.  After a long flight & while waiting for my connecting flight back to beautiful California, I was literally inches away from being raped…possibly gang raped. [Read more...]

Chris Coletti: His Life Is Better Than Yours – Funeral

 So I go to a lot of funerals. Not because my friends are dying, but because I enjoy hearing the story of a person’s life followed by finger sandwiches.

And lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: funerals are no longer formal affairs. Instead of suit & ties for guys and nice dresses for women, it’s now come as you are. A friend  recently told me, “I can mourn you in any way I want.” 

NO YOU CANNOT!

You WILL mourn me, and mourn me long and hard, the way I say. Heading to the beach to stare at the setting sun and pondering the circle of life is NOT how I will be mourned. So before my number comes up and I’m called to eternal glory where I’ll be greeted by throngs of trumpeting angels, thunderous applause from across the galaxies, and a high five from Patrick Swayze I want to lay down 5 rules for my own funeral. [Read more...]