Emily Schorr Lesnick: Can I Touch Your/Will You Play With My Hair Paradox

hair is deepIf there is one truth emphasized throughout history, it is that hair is deep. Hair is a marker of beauty, of gender, of self-expression, and it is also the location of racism and colonialism. [Read more...]

Megan Lent Makes Pie Charts – Tarantino

by Megan Lent

Ready to stock up on adrenaline shots on get all Van Gogh on some dude while dancing to Stealers Wheel? Then here’s a handy guide to making your own classic in the style of Knoxville’s finest.

Filmography-of-Quentin-Tarantino

Megan_Lent

Megan Lent

Megan Lent is a wonderfully unsuccessful blogger who likes to whine about literature at http://apostrophetothestars.blogspot.com/, and occasionally contributes to the steamy world of small-press fiction at Metazen and Housefire. She was the 62nd best speller in California in eighth grade, and used to run a brothel out of her parents’ house in Chicago. She lives in LA.

Chris Coletti: His Life Is Better Than Yours – Bathroom Adventure

bathroom stallIn my travels around the world as an internationally beloved speaker I’ve seen some terrible things: The ugly face of racism in the South, anti-American hatred in Europe, light rain & fog in San Francisco.  But nothing (NOTHING!) compares to the horror I witnessed in Denver, specifically their airport.  After a long flight & while waiting for my connecting flight back to beautiful California, I was literally inches away from being raped…possibly gang raped. [Read more...]

Rick Santorum: Privacy Parts – Gallagher On Topic

Gallagher: On Topic
Privacy Parts

There are a few buzzwords and phrases that automatically send a message to my brain to shut down any listening functions and proceed with a series of head nods every seven seconds. The first one on the list is the phrase, “Back in my day…”.

Someone who pines for the “good ol’ days” manages to break the fourth wall of double denial. Not only are they going out of their way to completely ignore the negative and ignorant thinking of their time from their psyche, but they are also making themselves believe that time travel is possible.

That pining for the days when the world only had black and white television, movies and public bathrooms has reared its ugly head once again, now that Rick Santorum is looking more and more like the man on top in the Republican presidential race. It’s an appropriate place for the man to be, based on the Internet’s definition of his last name (don’t Google it if you’re enjoying a tasty bowl of chocolate pudding or lube right now).

He has reignited an issue that I thought had been long been settled: contraception. Apparently, he’s not just against forcing religious organizations to provide it for their insured employees, but he has also called it “not okay” and “dangerous” The only time contraception should be considered “dangerous” is if they have to come in a bulletproof coating.

Would you sleep with this man out of wedlock? Neither would he if he had his way.

Santorum can believe whatever the hell he wants as long as he doesn’t try to interfere with people’s private lives and get in their bedrooms to stop them from having sex that his faith won’t allow him to enjoy. He can still think that Galileo “had it coming” and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest as long as he’s not in power and chances are that telling people not to do it for fun will make sure that never happens. Besides, his faith is really more of the crux of the issue i.e. “My God won’t let me get freaky with two women, a step ladder, a belt sander and zero consequences so you shouldn’t have the right to either.”

The issue would have gone away but it managed to reach full-on silly when his billionaire campaign donor Foster Friess, a name and job title that sound like the true identity of a Batman villain, told MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell that, “Back in my days…”. I couldn’t remember the rest because I blacked out so I had to look it up.

He said that women used to use “Bayer aspirin for contraceptives”. Man, that stuff is more powerful than I thought. It can not only stop headaches and prevent heart attacks, but it can also build a cement wall around a woman’s uterus.

Foster Friess, uterus rancher

He continued, “The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly”.That moment was followed by a long period of silence, either because Mitchell had a hard time processing what Friess had said or the shock of his candidness made all the blood rush out of my head so it could provide extra protection to my reproductive organs, just in case I had a uterus it didn’t know about.

The “culture war” has always been a useless issue that never made any sense to me whether it was about sex, music, movies, video games or anything that’s just goddamn fun anymore. Worrying about the morality of condoms, birth control and even abortion should be way, way down on our list of priorities, especially when they come from candidates who constantly say they want to get government out of our lives. That’s like being in favor of irrigation but against clouds.

It’s all just an easy way to get easy votes from simple minded simpletons without having to do the hard work of actually talking about issues that matter and coming up with real solutions to fix bigger problems like…anything else. Giving fetuses the right to vote would be a step up at this point.

 

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist and reporter and a regular contributor to TruTV’s “Dumb as a Blog“, Playboy’s “The Smoking Jacket“, MTV’s Clutch and the Shadowbox Comedy Theater of Columbus. His humor and feature writing has also appeared in Aol’s TVSquad.com and Asylum.comSpike.com, Esquire Magazine, Cracked.com, Mental Floss Magazine, The Christian Science Monitor, Chicago Tribune’s “Redeye,” The Austin American-Statesmen and The Center for the Easily Amused. He doesn’t have a uterus the last time he checked.

 

Matt and Nat – Mouse Story

scary funny mouse

Matt and Nat are funnier than you and slowly realizing that living with a lady/gent (that you are not sleeping with) makes you realize how much the opposite sex really does suck. Pick your side…but if you pick Matt’s you’re wrong. Just saying.

Nat says: Call me old-fashioned, but when there is a fucking mouse in your apartment, your male roommate shouldn’t be the one to jump on the couch and scream like a little pussy when it scurries past their feet right?

Right.

I thought that was one of the perks of living with a dude. I get to be the only who is allowed to act emotionally reckless for no apparent reason…while the male roommate kills the shit out of the mouse. And then I get to call him a heartless murderer when he drops the poor lifeless body of Fernando (I get to name the mouse, too) into a Tupperware container. Not the other way around.

And yet here I am, throwing out this perfectly good Tupperware container, because my male roommate is too much of a little bitch to properly handle the masculine killing of a mouse. I guess this is what the feminist movement was all about.
Guess whose doing the dishes tonight then, bitch. [Read more...]

A Short Runt Rant – Emily Schorr Lesnick

Attention: Just because I am “small” and “adorable” does not give you the right to pick me up. Ask my consent. I am not “bite sized” for you.

No but seriously, if a tall dude comes in for a hug with a grin on his face, I have reason to suspect that I am about to be lifted into the air, squeezed, plopped down, maybe have my head patted, and be told I am “so cute.” It has happened before and it will happen again. Sometimes they say “I can pick you up, right?” and completely take away my voice, which is too bad because I may have a little body, but I have a big voice. [Read more...]

10 Things Student Protestors at My College Should Actually be Protesting – Megan Lent

funny occupy protestI go to the major university in Los Angeles that did not, I am told by people who follow sports, win the late-November rivalry football game. Lately, Occupy protestors have moved on campus with their tents. Because we are not run by total pieces of shit, the authorities have yet to pepper spray anyone. It’s just kids in tents with signs, and the occasional rally.

Now, I’ve attended a couple of these rallies. I’m almost comically liberal: my dorm room is decorated with press clippings from the JFK years, George Stephanopoulos’ memoir, a drawing I made of Jon Stewart making out with Senator Barbara Boxer, and Seasons 1-4 of The West Wing (later seasons do not count due to an abject lack of Rob Lowe.) So, a Re-fund CA/Occupy rally should really be up my alley. This is not the case. And it is not the case because I’m an admirer of focus, and a rally which begins with a listing of valid grievances pertaining to impending tuition hikes, which then turns into some chanting about making banks pay, which then turns into the custodians demanding a pay raise, which then turns into a speech about immigration – all in the space of about twenty minutes – is not a focused rally.

I think that what these protestors need is a clear voice. A writer. A prophet. And I think I know a little something about prophets, or at least about talking more loudly and coherently than everyone else. So, here we go: my list of exactly, specifically, and accurately what the student protestors at my college should actually be protesting. [Read more...]

Matt and Nat – Bathroom Story

Matt and Nat are funnier than you and slowly grasping that living with a lady/gent (that you are not sleeping with) makes you realize how much opposite sex really does suck. Pick your side…but if you pick Matt’s you’re wrong. Just saying.

Nat says: It will never cease to amaze me how men conveniently forget how Mother Nature works for the ladies. Now this isn’t a topic women specifically want to elaborate on (as in we never want to fucking talk about it…so stop shoving it in our faces Playtex commercials). However, this is definitely a subject that will be used against men given the right circumstances, i.e. when you turn the light off as I’m going to the bathroom, Matthew. [Read more...]

Congress Fail: They are the 9 Percent – Gallagher On Topic

 

Gallagher: On Topic
They are the 9 Percent


Congress has never been the most popular dame on the promenade. No matter what poor schmuck is sitting in the White House or how bad the country is doing, the Legislative branch always gets spanked over something for doing nothing.

That’s not in any way a defense for the criticisms against them. I mean “doing nothing” in the most literal sense of the phrase. Coma patients in hospices whose basic bodily functions are controlled by machines accomplish more in a day than a so-called “politically balanced” legislative branch ever could.

Recently, our legislative boys and girls are at a total standstill. One side, the House, has been taken over by the Tea Party wing of the Republicans, and the other has a Democratic majority but all the filibustering makes it impossible for anything to get through and the only time a Democrat would stand up to a Republican is one of them asked if they could use their seat.

And even this prestigious body of “un-accomplishment” and DC politics gone mad has not only sunk to a new low metaphorically. They’ve also done it numerically and you know when math and politicians are involved, there are going to be a lot of empty aspirin bottles in the Capitol’s trash cans.

Their most recent rating among Americans who think that the Senate and the House are doing a good job is 9 percent. That’s not a typo. Their rating is in single digits. To put it another way, if you ever brought home from school a test in any subject that had a grade of 9 percent, your parents would order your teacher not to let you use pencils because of the physical risk they present to yourself and your classmates.

And before any of you zombies on either side of the political clusterf*$* try to turn this into a purely partisan opinion, take this to heart: the right-wing leaning Rasmussem pollers took a similar query of their flock for their approval of Congress’ work and they got a whopping 9 percent. As for the left, the rest of the mainstream media polling came up with the same number.

So the people, as they say, have spoken and how has Congress reacted to this bad report card? They put aside discussing anything close to meaningful about job creation, the economy and even taxes and decided instead to push forward with a bunch of meaningless legislative bull-hockey over regulating the amount of porn federal employees view on their office computers, keeping federal health agencies from limiting the amount of starches in school lunches and a wave of anti-abortion measurements that would only make sense of fetuses paid taxes. [Read more...]

Population Perspective – Wall Beat Journal

by Natalie Wall

That time has come. The population of Earth reached a staggering 7 billion people last Monday and let’s be honest, we can all agree that that’s 6 billion to many.

While many (white people) see this as a huge success, reality has proven that this number may actual have a grim reality. Natural resource sustainability slowly dwindling in many areas of the world and obstruction of such habitats makes some wonder how many people the world can actually accommodate.

“We have to consume in more sustainable ways, but also we have to produce in more sustainable ways,” said Michael Herrmann, an adviser on population and economics with the UNFPA according to Globalpost.com.

Which leaves Earth with only one real solution: a zombie apocalypse. Not only would the world’s natural habitats be able to thrive once again, but we would no longer have to worry about food production in areas that need it the most. Seeing as we, the human population, would be the most readily available food resource.

Allowing Earth to kill two birds with one stone: saving the worlds natural resources while drastically reducing the world’s unsustainable population. Nature versus nurture. And yes, nature always wins.

Your only real worries now would be staving off the said ravenous zombie apocalypse rather than worrying about the rapid influx of the earth’s dangerously high population count. “We have to change the way we’re consuming and producing,” said Ethiopian Daniel Gad is a former AT&T senior executive in Seattle who returned to his home country in 2003 to invest in local food production, according to Globalpost.com. “The world is reaching limits.”

So, yes. The rumors are true. It is time, world. It is time we start consuming each other.