Imaginary Fucking with Megan Lent – Part 4 of 4
I think everyone has at least one fictional or deceased person who they’d absolutely love to bang. I have many. I know that this is weird concept. I also know that I like it. It’s like vaginas; they look like little aliens, but I still like having one. Of course, for breakfast this morning, I dipped powdered sugar donuts in a Go Girl. Just because I like something, doesn’t make it normal.
I know what you’re thinking. The answer is no. No, I do not want to fuck Hugh Jackman. I do not want to fuck Stan Lee. I want to fuck Wolverine. He has claws for fingers that I think would feel really good skimming my face, and he’d be really useful for slicing the skin of off my apples and the crusts off of my bread. He’s trustworthy and rugged and always saying things like, “I like to smoke and Canada and claws and cool.” I saw Captain America, and Chris Evans was pretty hot (or, at least hot enough for me to have a dream about visiting a Billy Joel-themed amusement park with him and my mother), but no other comic book hero gets me all hot and bothered quite like Wolverine does. I tried to explain this to a male friend once, and he basically told me I was crazy. He later told me he had a childhood infatuation with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson, which is, actually, the exact same thing.
Think about it: most children who got on the Olson train dismounted after the twins’ finished up their straight-to-VHS series of mysteries and musical beach parties, which ultimately gave way to a very pathetic attempt at an actual film career. Not this guy. No, he followed their careers. He bought hats from their fashion line. He saw New York Minute four times in theatres. The Olson twins had a raw talent, which was simultaneously enhanced and mined by corrupt powers. The only way to achieve their true essence was to destroy their humanity, thus forming strange, otherworldly beings, who were followed and worshipped by the gays, the mentally unstable, and the socially outcast – segments of society usually drawn in by tales of a band of mutants. Wolverine’s pure strength was brought to its highest, adamantium-induced glory, but at the hands of evil scientists, thus turning him into something that was simultaneously the highest form of man and a completely inhuman creature.
In other words, Mary-Kate and Ashley are fucking X-men.
About the Ranter:
Megan Lent is a wonderfully unsuccessful blogger who likes to whine about literature at http://apostrophetothestars.blogspot.com/, and occasionally contributes to the steamy world of small-press fiction at Metazen and Housefire. She was the 62nd best speller in California in eighth grade, and used to run a brothel out of her parents’ house in Chicago. She lives in LA.