Stupidest Assholes of 2012, The List – by Elton Edgar

mayan

Katt Williams, goes drugged up nuts at concerts and then slaps a K-Mart employee while running from the police.

Rupert Murdoch, phone tapping extraordinaire takes down a media institution with stupidity.

Jerry Sandusky, the Penn State asst. coach for molesting kids via a childrens charity.

Mel Gibson, loses his shit and screams at a writer, in front of a 15 year old kid.

Dish Network, for taking out its legal tantrums out on its own customers by cutting AMC from it’s line up.

2012 Olympic Judges, for robbing South Korean female fencer Shin Lam of a chance at a gold medal, because they don’t understand that clocks break.

The Mayans, ending their calendar in a year that has — not only the internet and television — but, is populated by psychics, psuedo-experts and mid-western apocalypse wackos, all of whom can type and make videos.

Disney, after they stripped a cartoon princess of her Latin heritage.

Todd Akin, kills the Republican party and gives the world one of its most absurd pop culture phrases to date with his “legitimate rape” comment.

Mitt Romney insults 47% of the American public…and still thought he’d win the election.

Chik-Fil-A, gives homophobes an official chicken sponsor.

Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, for making a film so bad it drove Muslims to murder.

Kenneth Krause, for fat-shaming a newscaster via email, then saying he didn’t when she calls him out on t.v.

 

EltonElton, a steamy sexual dynamo, is a comedy writing loser from Pennsylvania. He’s the author of several failed attempts at books, cartoons and occasionally writes articles at Funnyordie for Will Ferrell to ignore. You can check out more of his pants shittingly funny mumbling at Elton Says Things (his super tits blog!) What that means…he doesn’t even know.

 

Practical Advice…Learned In A Bathroom: Bathroom Bomber

Being your average, ordinary everyday bad ass, I have used many a bathroom in my time. Be it for the intricacies of wash closet architecture or for secluded enclaves to woo buck toothed hookers, I’ve enjoyed them all, in one way or another. Though, mostly for pissing, shitting …and prostitutes.

Be that as it may, situations occur that fall outside of the happiest of pissing, shit and sex working awesomeness. There are times of heroism and valor that scare the shit out of you and bring out the testosterone fueled Hercules that lies buried, dormant beneath the cool exterior of one’s handsome good looks. By that stuff…I mean…me and by times I mean, the day I pissed my way onto the super hero, anti-terrorism world stage!

It was during a banquet I was attending at the Swedish consulate in Washington D.C. I was invited to the banquet as a “thank you” for securing the latest “50 Shades of Grey “installment, six months before it’s release (don’t ask). I would have graciously declined, but, who am I to turn down free expensive booze and food in weird sauces?

The night was soaked in mixed drinks, nondescript old guys, ugly rich women and expensive pretty ones. I, of course, was fending them off the best I could. Having my fair share of champagne, I adjourned to the bathroom to “donate my liquid assets” (that’s code for “taking a whiz”).

I had finished and was washing my hands when, a man joined me at the sink. A nice suit, clean hair cut and a striking jaw line, he looked to be a late twenties to mid-thirties business type. I could have mistaken him for a model of some sort, but, you know…I wouldn’t know, ‘m not gay and stuff. I’m woman humping straight.

So, the hot guy washed his hands beside me. Then, addressing me in a confident, deep, manly super model tone he said, “Sorry about the funk in here, my man. I had to drop a bomb, know what I mean?”. “Uh, wha-what, I’m sorry, I was mesmerized by your exquisite jaw line and what looks to be an finely tailored suit stretched over your Adonis like biceps, could you repeat that?”, I heterosexually responded.

“Uh…I’m sorry about the bomb I left in the toilet.”, he said with a hint of embarrassment.

I blankly stared into his dazzling blue eyes for a moment, the alcohol dulling my usually lightning fast response time. “You left a bomb in the toilet?”

“Yeah, sorry about that, the smell–”

Using my cheetah like reflexes, I punched him in the face.

“OW! What the hell? You punched me?!”

I had little time to waste. I wrestled him to the floor. Spotting the bathroom attendant who, until now, was transparent…apparently. I yelled to him, “Get the police or Homeland Security guy! I’ll keep this terrorist distracted and disarm the bomb!”

“Terrorist?! Who’s a terrorist?” interjected the still conscious terrorist. “Shut your infidel hating face!”, I shouted and struck his nose repeatedly. “Sir!”, the attendant interjected, “Sir! Stop!”. With the would be bomber pinned, I turned to him, “Sir, that’s a senator from Maine!”.

I learned two things that night. One, apologizing profusely after beating a senator will never get you out of a tasing and two, senators do accept apologies, but, only after getting a turn at tasing you.

My advice: Always be sure the person you’re accusing of terrorism isn’t an elected official with the shits. You’ll likely end up with electrical burns on your nipples if you don’t.

 

EltonElton, a steamy sexual dynamo, is a comedy writing loser from Pennsylvania. He’s the author of several failed attempts at books, cartoons and occasionally writes articles at Funnyordie for Will Ferrell to ignore. You can check out more of his pants shittingly funny mumbling at Elton Says Things (his super tits blog!) What that means…he doesn’t even know.

 

A Rant On Anger & Ranting: Robots Don’t Rant

Grrrby Emily Schorr Lesnick

To plagiarize Joan Rivers, “Can we talk?” May I rant freely? Can I get angry and still be heard? Am I going to have to apologize for sharing my feelings and throwing a table later? Do I have to always be a giggilng ray of sunshine, even if I am pissed off? I need to rant about being angry and, well, ranting. I am frustrated with the dismissal of anger as “ugly” or “unproductive” or unfunny. The truth is, anger is a legitimate, important and motivating emotion for activism, personal development, and humor. Anger is important, anger is necessary, anger is funny.

It turns out being pissed off can really motivate and mobilize a group of people to work for social change. As a child, I remember hearing about the Black Panthers from the lens of my mother. They were militant (somehow this was a bad thing). They were angry (and that was an illegitimate, divisive sentiment). And they wore berets. The Black Panthers were angry because they had been silenced and oppressed for centuries, and rightfully so. The Black Panthers were (and are) not concerned with attractively packaging their feelings for the gaze of my mother and other White folks in power. They used their anger to connect with the anger and frustration that so many Black people felt. And they made an impact. The Arab Spring was fueled by some Tweets with smiley faces, but mostly by anger with corruption and a hope for fairer governments. And I do not believe that anger and hope are mutually exclusive. Now, I see many people involved with the Occupy Wall Street movement angry because they do not have a job, because they live in debt, and/or because of straight up correction coming from big banks and businesses. Their anger sparked a global movement that acknowledges the interconnectedness of people’s experiences and feelings. Social movements are pretty weak when they are not powered by hardcore, angry zeal.

On a personal level, anger is a basic human emotion, along with sad, glad, afraid (pronounced “afrad” in this case) and countless others. Sometimes those other emotions motivate us to reach our goals and grow as humans, and sometimes we are fueled by our anger. Maybe it’s irriatation from a mouse infestation that empowers us to clean the house (true story for me), or maybe the sadness and frustration sparked by a breakup that inspires us to get that dope haircut, firing or rejection of any kind empowers us to reevaluate our passions and work harder for them. And it’s certainly healthier than always being a rainbow bright cupcake on the outside and crying on the inside, and more realistic than being an emotionally controlled Stepford Wife.

When it comes to comedy, ranting is often a scandalous mistake made by a standup in the moment, a mistake that reveals bigotry and hate (Michael Richards’ use of the n-word and Tracy Morgans’ homophobic rants come to mind). But rants are often hilarious to watch, whether they be about something mundane like yogurt or something larger like stereotyping. Rants are captivating to an audience because we are drawn into the passion, the anger that a comic feels. You can’t phone in a rant. No matter how “ugly” a rant may be, a rant is a demonstration of both our human vulnerability and our passion and zeal. Commitment shown through anger and ranting proves we are not robots. Ranting shows we care and I do not want to have to apologize for my anger. When I feel anger inside me, it’s not fair to dismiss it as me being on my raging period. Sometimes I’m a positive ray of sunshine, sometimes I am mad as can be. Whether I am protesting, performing, or piddling about my rat-infested apartment, I try to embrace the rage within, mix it with some buttercream frosting, and slather it on top of a complex human emotions cupcake.

 

Emily Schorr Lesnick is a recent graduate of Macalester College, where she studied gender, identity, and comedy. Her writing has been featured on Splitsider, The Mary Sue, Funny not Slutty, Hello Giggles and Lilveggiepatch. You can follow her on Twitter @ESchorrLesnick.

Rick Santorum: Privacy Parts – Gallagher On Topic

Gallagher: On Topic
Privacy Parts

There are a few buzzwords and phrases that automatically send a message to my brain to shut down any listening functions and proceed with a series of head nods every seven seconds. The first one on the list is the phrase, “Back in my day…”.

Someone who pines for the “good ol’ days” manages to break the fourth wall of double denial. Not only are they going out of their way to completely ignore the negative and ignorant thinking of their time from their psyche, but they are also making themselves believe that time travel is possible.

That pining for the days when the world only had black and white television, movies and public bathrooms has reared its ugly head once again, now that Rick Santorum is looking more and more like the man on top in the Republican presidential race. It’s an appropriate place for the man to be, based on the Internet’s definition of his last name (don’t Google it if you’re enjoying a tasty bowl of chocolate pudding or lube right now).

He has reignited an issue that I thought had been long been settled: contraception. Apparently, he’s not just against forcing religious organizations to provide it for their insured employees, but he has also called it “not okay” and “dangerous” The only time contraception should be considered “dangerous” is if they have to come in a bulletproof coating.

Would you sleep with this man out of wedlock? Neither would he if he had his way.

Santorum can believe whatever the hell he wants as long as he doesn’t try to interfere with people’s private lives and get in their bedrooms to stop them from having sex that his faith won’t allow him to enjoy. He can still think that Galileo “had it coming” and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest as long as he’s not in power and chances are that telling people not to do it for fun will make sure that never happens. Besides, his faith is really more of the crux of the issue i.e. “My God won’t let me get freaky with two women, a step ladder, a belt sander and zero consequences so you shouldn’t have the right to either.”

The issue would have gone away but it managed to reach full-on silly when his billionaire campaign donor Foster Friess, a name and job title that sound like the true identity of a Batman villain, told MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell that, “Back in my days…”. I couldn’t remember the rest because I blacked out so I had to look it up.

He said that women used to use “Bayer aspirin for contraceptives”. Man, that stuff is more powerful than I thought. It can not only stop headaches and prevent heart attacks, but it can also build a cement wall around a woman’s uterus.

Foster Friess, uterus rancher

He continued, “The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly”.That moment was followed by a long period of silence, either because Mitchell had a hard time processing what Friess had said or the shock of his candidness made all the blood rush out of my head so it could provide extra protection to my reproductive organs, just in case I had a uterus it didn’t know about.

The “culture war” has always been a useless issue that never made any sense to me whether it was about sex, music, movies, video games or anything that’s just goddamn fun anymore. Worrying about the morality of condoms, birth control and even abortion should be way, way down on our list of priorities, especially when they come from candidates who constantly say they want to get government out of our lives. That’s like being in favor of irrigation but against clouds.

It’s all just an easy way to get easy votes from simple minded simpletons without having to do the hard work of actually talking about issues that matter and coming up with real solutions to fix bigger problems like…anything else. Giving fetuses the right to vote would be a step up at this point.

 

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist and reporter and a regular contributor to TruTV’s “Dumb as a Blog“, Playboy’s “The Smoking Jacket“, MTV’s Clutch and the Shadowbox Comedy Theater of Columbus. His humor and feature writing has also appeared in Aol’s TVSquad.com and Asylum.comSpike.com, Esquire Magazine, Cracked.com, Mental Floss Magazine, The Christian Science Monitor, Chicago Tribune’s “Redeye,” The Austin American-Statesmen and The Center for the Easily Amused. He doesn’t have a uterus the last time he checked.

 

Congress Fail: They are the 9 Percent – Gallagher On Topic

 

Gallagher: On Topic
They are the 9 Percent


Congress has never been the most popular dame on the promenade. No matter what poor schmuck is sitting in the White House or how bad the country is doing, the Legislative branch always gets spanked over something for doing nothing.

That’s not in any way a defense for the criticisms against them. I mean “doing nothing” in the most literal sense of the phrase. Coma patients in hospices whose basic bodily functions are controlled by machines accomplish more in a day than a so-called “politically balanced” legislative branch ever could.

Recently, our legislative boys and girls are at a total standstill. One side, the House, has been taken over by the Tea Party wing of the Republicans, and the other has a Democratic majority but all the filibustering makes it impossible for anything to get through and the only time a Democrat would stand up to a Republican is one of them asked if they could use their seat.

And even this prestigious body of “un-accomplishment” and DC politics gone mad has not only sunk to a new low metaphorically. They’ve also done it numerically and you know when math and politicians are involved, there are going to be a lot of empty aspirin bottles in the Capitol’s trash cans.

Their most recent rating among Americans who think that the Senate and the House are doing a good job is 9 percent. That’s not a typo. Their rating is in single digits. To put it another way, if you ever brought home from school a test in any subject that had a grade of 9 percent, your parents would order your teacher not to let you use pencils because of the physical risk they present to yourself and your classmates.

And before any of you zombies on either side of the political clusterf*$* try to turn this into a purely partisan opinion, take this to heart: the right-wing leaning Rasmussem pollers took a similar query of their flock for their approval of Congress’ work and they got a whopping 9 percent. As for the left, the rest of the mainstream media polling came up with the same number.

So the people, as they say, have spoken and how has Congress reacted to this bad report card? They put aside discussing anything close to meaningful about job creation, the economy and even taxes and decided instead to push forward with a bunch of meaningless legislative bull-hockey over regulating the amount of porn federal employees view on their office computers, keeping federal health agencies from limiting the amount of starches in school lunches and a wave of anti-abortion measurements that would only make sense of fetuses paid taxes. [Read more...]

Lewis Black: A Look Back in Anger

A great look at Lewis Black through the years.

Jarrod Harris talks Action Figure Therapy

Action Figure Therapy features action figures talking (well, mostly ranting) to therapists about their problems at work and at home. The series is produced by Dan Bialek and is co-written and predominantly voiced by one of my fav rising star Atlanta comedians, Jarrod Harris. Jarrod let me ask him a few questions about this kick-ass series he is in and his life song.

Who are the characters you voice on Action Figure Therapy? 

Jungle Recon (star of the series)

Jungles’ Grandpa (the old man)

Snow Patrol (black dude)

Nesbit Faulkner (weirdo)

Bomb Squad Betty (the woman)

Communications guy (Another weirdo)

I will be introducing some more later on too.

 

How does it feel to be on a top web video series, but continue to go completely unrecognized because it’s voice acting?

It’s good to be doing something that is growing and really can’t be stopped  That is GREAT!  It’s very frustrating when people love something you do but don’t really care that it’s you behind the thing they love so much.  It’s like being jerked off on and when everyone’s done they just leave and don’t offer shit in return.  What I’m saying is if you like AFT, COME TO MY DAMN SHOWS!  Now there are a lot of people who care enough to click on the info below the videos, find me and actually like my fan page and come to shows, and those people are amazing.  I really need people to know about what I am doing in order to keep doing comedy and not get a real job.  Hopefully, these people will stop dumping their loads and take the time to find who they been spewing on, find my fan page and start coming to shows fuck nuts!  I’m kidding but I’m kind of serious.  If you’re not going to come to a show then at the very least, let me spew on something of yours.

 

Which AFT character are you most like?

None of them.  They are just annoying people I’ve lived around my whole life.  It’s easier to make fun of them than it is to punch them.  You’ll go to jail for that.  And even though I have a good KO average, I’m not exactly prison ready.  I haven’t worked out since the 90′s and I don’t need prison rape to get in the way of my life goals.

 

You are in LA, then Atlanta, LA, Atlanta, LA, Atlanta…So are there two of you, LA Jarrod and Atlanta Jarrod? How do they differ?

I’m just me.  I don’t understand the question.  I don’t change anything about myself when I go to LA or when I am in any other part of the country.  LA Jarrod doesn’t sweat as much.

 

Most people don’t know about your past profession. What was the hardest thing about being a Vietnamese Lounge Singer?

That would probably have to be the fact that I don’t even speaking Vietnamese. :)

Visit Jarrod’s Interwebs

 

The American Dream – George Carlin

George Carlin The American Dream

Hello, and welcome to Comedy Rants. We are pleased to rant with you. This is our very first post, a comedy rant as classic as it gets, by the ruler of the rant, George Carlin. You have probably seen it before, but it only gets better with time because you can note how many of Carlin’s predictions have come true.